I am Good the Way I am

In the middle of our environmental emergency (leaking propane tank, Mandala House evacuation, crazy dinner speculations), a thought pops into my head: “I am fine again”. And just like that, I get out of bed after a week of heavy usage, and leave behind my depression.

I guess I had it coming. For is midnight really the best time to cut your own hair? Were my fast-paced thoughts truly that briljant? Did I sincerely believe that I had finally conquered the bipolar beast within? Yes I did. For I was a new me. My best self: social, happy and bursting with energy. So occasionally I was a bit agitated, and could not follow my own threads, but well, no one is perfect, right?

Thanksgiving weekend we are low on people, so I happily brush up my karma and work the phones and clean some rooms, instead of joining the garden blessing and the community workshop. That’s how good I am. But at dinner, my energy drains with my every bite. At satsang I hit an all time low, and leave early with tears streaming down my face.

In bed I play the same record over and over again: “You should have known. How could you think you would ever be better? You’re pathetic. This is all your own fault. If only you had done more hatha, sang more mantra, reflected more diligently, made more of an effort to be an extravert an optimist a saint.” I also learn that all that excess energy does come with a pricetag. I am exhausted. 

When all is over I talk to my counselor. “What would happen”, she asks, “If you were still bipolar, but you weren’t beating yourself up about it?” I am flabbergasted. In all these years it never once occurred to me that I could be ill, without blaming myself for being ill; without scolding myself for not trying hard enough.

Back at the ashram I buy the ring that has been calling to me for some time now. The large blue cabochon lapis is easy to spot with my every gesture. Besides being pretty, it helps me remember: I don’t have to judge nor condemn myself. I am good the way I am.  

Ring & Autoharp, a wonderful Pair

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