I can say no

In my dream I am watching some Tell Sell television show. It is highly hypnotizing and I have a hard time taking my eyes off the screen. In the morning, my mother tells me that a girl I know, who has had several burn outs, has been watching that same show. I tell her that I have been watching as well, as it is so hypnotizing.

There is only so much my mind can take. There is only so much room for remembering. Yet everything has the highest priority. Or at least, so I am told. So I nod and smile and make mental notes while things start dropping off my plate.I forget to check the live traps in the hoophouse and in doing so kill a squirrel. I make nasty remarks to innocent bystanders. I forget that I am the only person at the ashram in charge of registrations. I am asked how I am doing. Hmmm, a bit disorganized maybe? A bit restless? Whether I can teach next week? Oh sure.

When I talk to Swami Samayananda she congratulates me. "You've been here for what, a month now? Other people have gotten exhausted, or even sick, in shorter timespans." It is nice to know I have fallen prey to an ashram classic: Intelligent, able, willing long term karma yogi enters in, and is lured into all kinds of projects and gets overwhelmed while doing so.

I feel I should do better, be stronger, be more able. But if this is an ashram classic, why not do something about it?! Then it dawns on me: How can others know what projects I am involved with? So here is a fact (ashramites love getting the facts): doing registrations is indeed my top priority. And here's another fact: I can say no.

And so I do!

And no one hates me.

(I think)